You may have heard of Mel Robbins’ book The Let Them Theory (originally coined by poet Cassie Phillips) - the idea that rather than trying to control other people’s choices or perceptions of us, we step back and simply let them be who they are. What if we applied that same philosophy to our dogs?
Dogs Don’t Get a Lot of Choices
In our modern world, dogs’ lives are almost entirely shaped by human decisions. We choose when and where they eat, sleep, walk, and play. We choose their friends, their routines, and even when they’re allowed to go to the bathroom. Many of these choices are necessary to keep them safe, healthy, and integrated into our lives. But it’s worth asking: how much freedom do our dogs actually have? The truth is - not much. And that’s where The Let Them Theory: Dog Edition comes in.
Giving Dogs Agency
As a dog guardian, I see it as my job to give my dog as much agency as possible within the constraints of our life together. Agency means having some control over your own life - the freedom to make choices that matter to you. It’s foundational to behavioral health.
For dogs, exercising agency can look like:
Freedom of movement Choosing the pace and direction of a walk, stopping to sniff, observe, and investigate as they please.
Freedom to seek Comfort Choosing and moving between resting spots, shifting to get comfortable, warm up, or cool down, or moving away from something that feels scary or uncomfortable.
Freedom to choose a preferred activity On an outing, your dog might roll or lounge in the grass, chew on a stick, stalk critters, or head back to the car when they’ve had enough. I try to honor my dog’s preferences during the limited time they have to explore the world.
Freedom to use behavior to affect outcomes My dog knows that if he wants to go outside, he can walk to the back door. If he wants a walk, he stands by the front door. If he wants a bite of my lunch (always), he sits beside me and makes eye contact. I want him to know that I’m paying attention and will try to meet the needs he communicates.
Freedom of expression Whining, barking, howling, grumbling, pacing, jumping, spinning - these are all important forms of communication. Instead of shutting them down when inconvenient, I try to understand what’s being expressed and meet the underlying need.
Why Letting Them Matters
Choice is a fundamental need for all living beings. Living without it is stressful and can actually increase the very behaviors we may not like, like pulling on leash, leash reactivity, and "stranger danger" behaviors. If those behaviors are ignored or punished, a dog may shut down - leading to learned helplessness and long-term impacts on both mental and physical health.
On the other hand, when we give dogs safe opportunities to choose, we nurture confidence and well-being. A dog who’s allowed to explore, rest, or say “no” learns that their needs matter and that they’re safe in our care.
Let Them Theory in Action
A few simple ways to “let them” on outings:
They want to sniff a trash can for five minutes? Let them.
They want to walk slightly ahead of you? Let them - and get a long line.
They’d rather avoid a stranger at the park? Let them.
They want to roll in freshly cut grass? Let them.
They want to stalk squirrels from a distance instead of walking briskly? Let them.
These moments might seem small to us, but to a dog, they’re everything, and can turn a walk from simple exercise into an enriching, joy-filled adventure.
The Bigger Picture
The Let Them Theory for dogs isn’t about allowing unsafe behavior or disregarding others. Our job is always to keep our dogs and those around them safe. It’s about making space for who they are - valuing their needs as living, feeling beings with their own preferences and perspectives. It’s about learning what their behavior means so we can better meet their needs.
When we loosen our grip on control, we discover something beautiful: dogs who are more relaxed, more trusting, and more themselves. And isn’t that what we want for the animals we love and share our lives with?
Let them.